Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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