Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
