Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
