Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got inside last night via doggy door
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
