its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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