Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
