Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
