WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
