He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
