he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize