Please, let me fuck your mom
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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