i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
