how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize