mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
