Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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