some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
His nipple licking is glorious
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