Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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