Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
