The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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