every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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