my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize