i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
