And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
