Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
