I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
