I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
