just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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