just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize