The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
