so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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