Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
