If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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