How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize