I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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