cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
