she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
