someone threw a dead crab at me
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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