i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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