so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
