His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
