I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
