she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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