Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize