Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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