I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We left the knife in your bed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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