youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
