you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
