No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
