I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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