I accidentally had phone sex last night
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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