Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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