I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Small penises have feelings too.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
