Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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