You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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