Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
