fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
