I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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