just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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