Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
