I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
