It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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