have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
