this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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