Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
