What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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