i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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