I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
